The Wit to Win

When I was a child, one of my respected elders frequently repeated these words by Edwin Markham:

“He drew a circle that shut me out –
Heretic, rebel, a thing to flout.
But love and I had the wit to win:
We drew a circle and took him in!”

Those words profoundly affected the little girl I once was. Soon I could repeat them from memory. I developed an antenna for people who were literally standing outside my circle, trying to join in. On the sidewalk outside the high school before opening bell rang. In the school cafeteria. In church coffee hour. Whenever I was in a crowd talking to people, my antenna quivered into attentiveness. If I sensed someone trying to join the conversation I was enjoying, I simply had to move my body to enlarge the circle.

On the flip side, I noticed when people failed to see me trying to enter their circles or moved their own bodies to exclude me. That hurt.

Those things are still true of me. Same antenna, same external and internal reactions.

I have thought a lot about that this past week, with Valentine's Day smack in the middle of it. A few days before Valentine's Day, someone told me they didn't like the commercialized holiday. Plus, Valentine's Day observances leave so many people out, they said. Another person told me they never celebrate Valentine's Day with their beloved. “We even put it in our marriage vows,” they said. “No Hallmark holidays.” Then, during the week I read several news stories about the terrible harm cut flowers do to our environment. And chocolate, too! We are actually damaging our planet with our valentines. Leading up to February 14, it seemed as though I was hearing a steady stream of messages communicating a jaundiced view of a holiday of love.

True enough, Valentine's Day can be problematic. If we use the holiday to celebrate romantic connections only, Valentine's Day absolutely leaves lots of people out. Widows, widowers, divorcees, people who have always been single. And, I would be the first one to promote wise ecology in our purchase choices. (The flowers are easy for me to forego, seeing as my cat just eats them anyway. But chocolate? That hits where it hurts.)

At the same time, I can't help but wonder would happen if we harnessed our holiday of love to draw the circle wider. Remember how we celebrated Valentine's Day as children? At least in the schools I attended, my teachers insisted that if we brought valentines to school at all, we had to give one to everyone in the class. Everyone. No one left out. Even that one weird kid. The circle had to be as wide as possible.

This past week, my Valentine's Day included some of the traditional observances. But an activity not typically associated with Valentine's Day made my celebration truly special, because it helped me to draw the circle wider: I participated in the monthly Conversation Cafe in my community. Conversation Cafe is one of my absolute favorite things to do. My town, which has a large and growing population of asylum seekers, many from Angola and Congo, has created a web of support, mostly offered by volunteers, to help the newcomers acclimate to their new environs. Some people help asylum seekers find housing. Others mentor them in various ways – essentially befriending them and helping them learn their new town and culture. Some help with legal matters. Others give them rides to appointments and classes. Some provide driver's education. Others take them driving when they get their Learner's Permit. Some, like me, tutor them in English.

That's where the Conversation Cafe fits in. In addition to working one-on-one with their students, English tutors are also invited to the monthly Conversation Cafe – an event open to any asylum seeker who wants to practice speaking English. There we simply talk with one another. We tutors help the English language learners to understand our words and to find their own. We can talk about any subject, as long as we converse in English. (Truth told, however, on rare occasions, I have hauled out my French, such as it is, to clear up occasional utter bafflement. And Google Translate is often one of our conversation partners as well.)

At Conversation Cafe I converse with some of the most courageous people I have ever met. The horrors that caused them to flee their home countries are one thing. The journey to get here, often traumatic, is another thing. And then there is the business of landing somewhere where everything, everything, is new: new language, new culture, new food, new people, new weather. Some arrive here alone, with no family or friends. Most have left loved ones behind. And then (at least where I live) they encounter full bore winter with its shockingly cold temperatures, long nights, and frozen precipitation. Despite the thickets of danger and hardship they have had to navigate to get here, once they arrive, they plunge full bore into creating a new life. They fill their schedules with classes in English, manufacturing, nursing, driver's ed, and more. As soon as they can, they find jobs, often working even in situations where the language barrier presents real challenges.

Valentine's Day this past week featured temperatures in the mid-20s and a bitter, biting wind. Because they usually lack transportation, many of the asylum seekers walked, at least partway, to the Conversation Cafe. They braved weather that once would have been inconceivable to them just so that they could fit in a little more practice speaking English. They, who have traveled so far to arrive in a situation of many challenges, fill me with humility, inspiration, and admiration. After all, all I had to do was to drive my car across town to get to the Conversation Cafe. They had to take a journey of a lifetime.

At Conversation Cafe, I sometimes struggle to hear because my ears are bad. They sometimes struggle to hear because the language is unfamiliar. I am sometimes tentative when I speak because I want to choose both good English and easy vocabulary. They are sometimes tentative when they speak because they have to translate into English what they are thinking in their first language. But we figure it out. There are smiles, laughter, and genuine connection. Together, in that one small way, we are all drawing the circle wider.

Happy Valentine's Day.